The Silent Confession of Tears

As a tax collector approaches, how long will I scoop out the sea of sin without restraint? I remain neither young nor beautiful; for everything passes away, everything withers, both flowers and lilies and the beauty of faces. What then do I suffer because of those things upon which I relied? For I already perceive the fire of Gehenna (Matt 13:42), and my soul is already receiving the realization that I used to run in the streets of the city, in the marketplaces, in the alleys, appearing beautiful while violently pressing upon destruction, having a net for my feet and a snare for my tongue. Oh, how many youths I used to lay low, bearing a shameless gaze!

For, being delighted by the ruin of onlookers, at times I would build up my head with many-braided hairstyles, and at times wander in a crowd of curls from the summit toward the front; at other times I would smooth the cheeks and trace the eyes, and at other times I would pour out floods of tears, casting the soul aside through flattery. What then should I become regarding these things? What physician shall I find for one having suffered these things? If I speak about myself to men, the way of my deliverance becomes useless to me. But shall I cover the evils? Yet I am unable to remain hidden; for how can I hide from God, whom I am unable to avoid? Where then shall I flee, finding the Judge everywhere, the one who is not visible indeed, but everywhere exposing my evils?

One hope of salvation remains to me, one provision of life is set out for me: to come to knowledge of Jesus and to run toward Him. For the tax collector, being received, does not reject the prostitute, nor does the one associating with the Pharisees (Matt 21:31) waive the tears of the sinner. Since, therefore, I have learned how it comes to Simon the Pharisee, to a leper and a sinner, I will run to him. But what shall I ask upon approaching? Health of the eyes? But grace is fleeting. Deliverance from disease? But the achievement is small, for the eternal death of the present is heavier. Leaving all the things of the body aside, I will seek the cure of the soul. For I find one solution for the evils that remain attached, if I see the Judge, if I forestall the time of punishment. I will imitate Rahab the prostitute (Josh 2:1); I will pursue the way of the virtuous woman; for God does not will a change of nature from us. Having piously considered these things and having applied my mind toward faith, she approaches Jesus where she was previously practicing her former shamelessness.

Taking a presumption of boldness, she says nothing to him; for she did not dare, knowing that he who carries the thoughts needs no words. For what could she say to him who knows all things? That she had sinned? That she had become a worker of many evils? That she had loved and pursued all kinds of pleasure? These things were manifest to God, not only in her deeds, but also being laid bare in the hidden council of the soul.

Knowing therefore that he knows all and that she can nothing escape, she guards her tongue, but speaks with her tears. For standing, she says, by his feet weeping, she began to rain upon his feet with tears. But even if she did not speak with her tongue, but expressed herself with silent groans, uncovering the crushing of her heart, proclaiming a triumph of the multitude of sins, emitting strange thoughts, shameful memories, impious acts, and lawless associations; for there was nothing of the evils she had done which she did not cry out with tears. For she knew that from these she had received the remission of her confession. For I said, she says, I will confess my lawlessness to the Lord, and you have forgiven the impiety of my heart.

And she did not only express herself wordlessly with the groans of the heart, shaming the Lord, but her form also traced the beauty of repentance. She wept with beautiful tears as if having laughed much, washing away the evil laughter, and with the streams of her eyes washing away the filth of her cheeks, so that in those things in which she sinned, she might be absolved, and in those in which she acted lawlessly, she might appease the Lawgiver. For just as David washed with tears the bed which he had shamelessly defiled with entanglement, he says: 'I will wash my bed every night, I will wet my couch with my tears' (Psalm 6:6); so also this woman, having let fall streams from those eyes through which she had led many youths into incontinence, washed away the filth of the difficult sin, setting forth the tears as a bath of repentance for herself. For she provided the tears as water herself, but received the remission invisibly from Christ. But indeed, perhaps not only imitating Abraham, but overcoming him, she washed the feet of Christ. For he, having been placed as a laver, washed with water and wiped with a cloth, but this woman, not having drawn water, but having cried out tears...